Ugh. Can someone tell me why we're still talking about "the mommy wars"? Past generations of women have worked damn hard to provide us with these choices, and we thank them by tearing each other down, no matter what choice we make. It's a ridiculous waste of energy, and it's well past time for us to start supporting each other.
Every now and then, I see these little charts about how much a SAHM is worth, as though our value could only be measured with money. I am lucky-lucky-lucky to have had this choice to begin with. I really do understand that. If I were a single parent, or if my husband didn't draw a salary that can support five people, I wouldn't have had a choice, so I am grateful beyond measure. When Corbin and I decided to start a family, we agreed that I would stay home with our children until they were all in school full time, because we thought that was best for OUR family.
"It must be nice."
Lord, how many times have I heard that? You know what? Many times, in lots of ways, it is nice. I wouldn't give up the eight years I've spent at home with my children for anything, even if there were days I considered putting them in a box at the curb with a sign: Free to a good home. Yes, it's "nice", because as it turned out, I had three children in two and a half years, two of whom are twins, one of whom has special needs. For years, we've had our three kids in three different schools with different
hours, various private therapies for Jonah, and several activities for each of our
girls, and I'm not sure how we could have handled things without a parent at home. I don't doubt for a moment that I made the right choice, though it wasn't as easy as you might think. Let's be honest, sometimes it's "nice", and sometimes its awful.
When our twins were newborn and Elena was two, and we were running on no sleep whatsoever, Corbin and I had some of the biggest arguments of our marriage. And here it is: Although my children are a joy and a blessing to me every day, and I love them more than any words could express, at that time, I felt like I was drowning. I was nursing the twins, potty training Elena, and was just consumed every single minute of every day. I desperately envied Corbin's ability to leave for work. It's a break from this, I argued, and he looked at me like I was completely insane. And the truth is, we were both right.
I often hear working mothers say that they have to work 40+ hours, then come home and do everything we SAHMs do as well. Pardon me, but that's some bullshit. Are your children in suspended animation while you work your shift? Nope. Unless you are fortunate enough to have a trusted family member care for your children for free, you are paying a premium for someone else to do it. It may cost more than your mortgage or rent, and though the cost is crushing, you pay it because you are putting the needs of your children above all else.
Even though I don't envy you the heartbreak of leaving your kids in the morning, or the work waiting for you every day when you get home, I do envy adult conversation and collaboration with colleagues, satisfaction in work outside of your family life, wearing clothes without baby spit-up on both shoulders, etc. Maybe you imagine me at home, days filled with giggles and PB&J and sunshine, but I think we both know better than that. I admire the sacrifice you're making, and I hope you can understand the one I've made. In my career, I've worked in research labs with radioactive and/or toxic chemicals, organized and prepared labs for hundreds of undergraduates per semester at UT, and worked the oncology unit as a nurse. I say without hesitation, staying home is both my greatest joy and achievement and the hardest thing I've ever done.
And there I go- trying to defend my choice. The bottom line is that there is hard work and sacrifice waiting for us, no matter what we choose, and we should be celebrating each other. I honestly believe that there are admirable aspects of each choice, and we could be better mothers, sisters, friends, and women, if we embrace each other in all our diversity.
