Nut Job

Okay, so I'm having kind of a weird reaction to this whole thing. I feel oddly hopeful, energized, purposeful, etc. I'm wondering if A) this is my greater purpose and I'm ready to move forward or B) I'm a crazy person in denial of my true feelings. I mean, don't get me wrong- I'm sad and scared and worried too, but in a bizarrely peaceful way. It reminds me of how I felt when I found out I was going to have twins. So completely all over the place. The blessings are obvious, but so is the work load.

I'm so grateful to all of my friends and family who have supported us this week. I was especially glad to talk to my friend Shauna who has the dual credentials of friend-for-20-years and school psychologist. A handy person to know, and the best friend and supporter you could ask for.

And okay, I admit it, I watched the movie Temple Grandin. Twice. If you want to feel better about the whole autism thing, it's not a bad idea. Hard to watch how much pain she had growing up, how much difficulty she had relating to others, but certainly an amazingly successful woman, regardless of her diagnosis.

The little man continues to thrive. He's expanding his vocabulary just like an 18-month-old might (almost). Every day, he adds new words and is speaking more purposefully. Can't beat that smiley, "Hi, Mommy" I get in the morning! Well, maybe the, "I... love... YOOOOOOOOU!" he does at bedtime. Meanwhile, we're working on adding OT and ABA to the speech therapy we're already doing. In a way, I can't wait for him to go to PPCD and be immersed in these programs on a daily basis, but then again I'm barely ready to let Laney go off to kindergarten next month. I certainly wasn't planning on handing over my 3-year-old for 5 hours a day, but I have to remind myself that his needs FAR outweigh my need to smother him with kisses several times an hour. It will also be good for Gabby- I'll get some alone time with her that is hard to come by with twins.

Yeah, like I said- all over the place.

Day 2

We got the official diagnosis of autism for Jonah yesterday, but really, it's been a long time coming. Since he is a twin, it's been easy to see, along the way, the subtle (and not-so-subtle) differences. The eye contact that was so much harder to get at 6 months. Spinning toys at 9 months. Failure to develop language at 12-18 months. Preference for playing alone that still persists. I really do think, though, that all of these symptoms are milder than they could be. I can tell you that, just from observing other children in the waiting room at speech therapy, we are lucky-lucky-lucky.

And of course, that's not the only way we are lucky. I couldn't be more proud of Jonah. Of who he is, of what he's accomplished. Today, when he wanted me to sing along with a song on the radio, he walked up to me and put his little fingers on my lips. Smiled like crazy when I obliged- no accounting for taste :) He has his own way of letting us know what he needs now, and it's such a pleasure to finally be able to do that. Also, he's darn cute, if I say so myself.

I cried for most of the day yesterday, but today what I feel most is relief. We waited so long to get the appointment with the pediatric neurologist, and we spent all that time questioning whether we were worried for no reason or (more likely) wasting valuable time. Honestly, I'm glad it's over and ready to just dive in and get him what he needs. What that is exactly is hard to say. There seems to be no road map, no concrete plan of action. It's probably impossible to have one with such a varied spectrum.

So, anchors aweigh.