Peachy

This morning, I dropped off Laney and Jonah at school. Jonah greeted his teacher, took her hand, and followed her into the school, with a last wave and smile for me. One week ago, I was prying a screaming toddler away from my body, thrusting him at his teacher, and walking quickly away, tears running down my face. Certainly not a gold-star parenting moment.

I simply can't believe the change in Jonah over just one week. He clearly loves his new school, and his new teacher pretty much rocks. Ms. Peachey. I admit- her name makes me love her even more. I think all special educators are amazing, but Ms. Peachey is remarkable. Her ability to read children and support their needs is unbelievable. Last year, she wrote a grant to get her kids a second room filled with sensory equipment. If you've ever had the misfortune of writing grants, you know that it's a huge undertaking- something you wouldn't do unless you really cared. She also made sure that we spent a lot of time with her in the classroom before Jonah started the program. That has made all the difference, for Jonah and for me.

The adjustment has been hardest, I think, on me and Gabby. She keeps asking where everyone is (especially Jonah), and I'm like- hush up, you. I'm trying to hold it together! We are adjusting, again, to a new normal. I feel certain now that we made the right choice to go forward with this program, and I can already see doors opening for Jonah, big changes ahead. But, the truth is, I miss him like crazy. When I picked him up on Friday, he fussed about leaving. So, that's good- he obviously loves it there. But. Oh, you knew there was a "but". I'm worried about losing the strength of our connection, worried (if I'm being honest) about not being #1 anymore.

I know. There's no pleasing me, right? I want him to be happy and do well, not to cry when I take him to school in the morning. But, I still want him to miss me and to show that in some way. I'm trying to keep a lid on my crazy, but with limited success. What can I say? I am a flawed human being.

Anyway, things are good. Jonah's teachers feel that he'll catch up with no problems, and be ready for kindergarten when he's 5. Magic words. All in all, we're just Peachey (oh, come on, I HAD to do it).

Favorite

When Jonah was just five weeks old, he caught a cold that Elena brought home from preschool. He spiked a fever, I took him to the pediatrician, it was fine. He developed a chunky cough, I took him to the pediatrician, it was fine. Days later, when he was still sick, I took him in again, knowing that they would roll their eyes at me, and send us home. Instead, I got the face.

You know the face. Suddenly, everyone is quiet, listening, waiting for the words. The nurse checked Jonah's oxygen saturation. Low 80s. Instantly, I could hear the blood pounding in my ears, feel my heart start to race. The rapid test for RSV came back negative, good news/bad news. Not RSV, good. Pneumonia? Already, I knew that we would have to go to the hospital for testing. What I was not prepared for was that Jonah would have to be taken there by ambulance. I can tell you, watching my newborn baby boy getting strapped into the back of an ambulance... it was bad. And once you see that, you can't erase it. It's one of the clearest images in my memory, I am sorry to say.

We made the long ride to the hospital with me holding Jonah's far-too-large oxygen mask in place, so the medic could work. When we got there, I knew it was going to be rough. Many, many attempts to start a line on a dehydrated newborn. Snapping his tiny body into an immobilizer for x-rays. Some wise, kind nurse suggested we leave the room for the spinal tap, which I will always be grateful for. They urged us to go eat- it was going to be a long night. So, we went to the cafeteria, put plates of food on our trays, and then sat there just staring at it, tears in our eyes.

In the end, pneumonia was ruled out in favor of bronchiolitis, we spent a couple of days in the hospital getting Jonah fluids and medications, and everything was fine. But. I think that that very day, my brain was hardwired to think- fragile, special, different. As it turns out, I was right. I've been accused of treating Jonah as a favorite, but that's not it, really. He just needs me more, has always needed me more. Honestly, the girls have always been tougher, more resilient, more independent, whether by design or by default. Don't misunderstand, they get their share of attention. Lord, do they ever. But, if I have to work twice as hard to get a smile out of Jonah, I'm going to do it, every time.

The truth is, they're all my favorite. When the babies were born, I wondered if I could ever love them as much as Elena, given that she had a two-year lead, and was obviously the best baby in the world. Gabby makes me laugh all day long, is a world-class smarty pants, and is stinkin' cute, if I say so myself. And you know how I feel about Jonah, my beautiful, wonderful boy. I love them all to the point of breathlessness, and they're all my favorite.

Vaccines? Still? Seriously.

So, I follow Autism Speaks on FB, but I'm going to have to stop looking at it. The new study in the news this morning, suggesting a link between closely-spaced pregnancies and autism, is causing the usual ruckus.

Folks, the study does NOT say that IF your kids are less than two years apart, they WILL be autistic. There is merely an increased risk/incidence, even after adjusting for age, race, education, etc. It is an area of scientific interest, not a scape-goat.

Nevertheless, the boards are lit up with angry parents fuming that we are being fed a pack of LIES. That somehow our boogey-man government is trying to "distract" us from the real problem (vaccinations, naturally). Look, I'm pissed that my kid has these difficulties to overcome, and I would like to know what the causes are too, but when I read these responses, it makes me feel even more alone.

I just don't understand why we are STILL talking about vaccines. The ONE "study" that showed a link of any kind was done by Andrew Wakefield. The study was retracted by the Lancet, Wakefield lost his medical license, and now it has been revealed that he deliberately falsified his results, in addition to having a conflict of interest (some of the participants were litigants in a suit against the vaccine manufacturer). And keep in mind, there were only 12 subjects in the study to begin with. AND, now children are dying of PREVENTABLE diseases. For. No. Reason.

Several parents made posts to the tune of: show me the studies comparing autism rates in vaccinated vs. un-vaccinated kids, and then I'll listen. Um. Okay. There are literally dozens, including a Japanese study (Honda, Shimizu, Rutter, 2005) with a gigantic sample size. Meanwhile, Wakefield's findings have NEVER been reproduced in ANY study, and if your findings can't be reproduced by your peers, you got junk.

I just don't understand the dedication to this issue, when it has been proven, again and again, that there is not a link. How many research dollars are we going to waste disproving this nonsense? There IS a cause (or, more likely, many), and we really need to move on find out what it is/they are.

I mean, is it just me? Anyone? Anyone?

Crazy Train

Okay, so I suck at blogging.

Anyway.

So, this is a shameless bid for support. Jonah will start his PPCD program on Monday the 17th. Cue shallow breathing, sleepless nights, hysterical bursts of tears. I really just got used to sending him to preschool 10 hours per week, and now I'm sending him to the elementary school for 25 hours per week. Bad thoughts: I feel like I'm handing off my kid for someone else to "fix". I feel like I'm ripping him away from his twin. I'm afraid that the close connection we have will suffer with all these hours apart.

Rational thoughts: He is autistic, and needs 20+ hours per week of DTT, plus speech and OT. I am obviously not qualified to do any of this myself (and even if I were, Gabby would just jump in with the answers before Jonah could even respond). Plus, he needs the social interaction with a real peer group. His new school schedule will also allow me to put some of my focus on Gabby, which she deserves, because let's face it- the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and she's been pushed to the back of the line far too often.

Jonah has responded so well to private therapies, and I suspect that he will really take off in this program, but I'm letting my fears get the best of me, as usual. Right? Like, this is the right decision and all will be well and Jonah will thrive. Right?

Oh, and PS- Did you know that there is a particularly unattractive form of psoriasis that you can get following a strep infection and/or period of extreme stress? Oh, yes. For extra fun this holiday season, I upgraded from garden-variety housewife frump to full-on gargoyle. Ho ho ho. Thank God for steroids.