House For Sale

I have tolerated the wildlife around here with as much grace as I can muster. Roaming packs of deer punks- fair enough, they were here first. Scorpions have been a bit trickier, as they sting like hell and I've had to slap one off of my son's face. I don't like them one bit, but they don't keep me up at night. Finally, I must admit defeat, and put our home on the market. Upon entering my garage this morning, I came face to face(s) with this:



Now, I don't want to overstate my feelings about spiders, but our relationship goes something like this:



In other words, I fear them like grim death, but if I am backed into a corner, it is kill or be killed. Needless to say, I unloaded about eight ounces of wasp/hornet spray on this thing. Okay, if any of you are thinking, "Aww... she killed that sweet mommy spider and her hundreds of cute tiny babies", first of all- you are a freak. Secondly, we are no longer friends. If you see anything other than a snarling mass of evil, there is something seriously wrong with you, and it's probably best if we never speak again.

I do fear that this problem is more of a central Texas thing in general, rather than specific to this home. Before we built this house, we lived in one of those fake new/old neighborhoods with white picket fences and alley parking. One very unfortunate afternoon, I found a tarantula in our back yard. Okay, it was outside, where it belongs, but WAY too close to my back door. Clearly, I had no choice but to smash it to smithereens. Unfortunately, this took quite a bit of mental preparation. For an inordinately long time, I stood in my back yard with a large garden shovel hoisted above my head, paralyzed by fear, shaking and sweating like Kathy Bates in Dolores Claiborne. When you are trying to conceal a sociopathic drive to kill, the lack of a privacy fence is less than ideal.

So. Brunch at my house, ladies?