Late at night is when the trouble starts. I can be positive and purposeful all day, and as soon as I lay down, doubts and fears rush in to meet me. Last night, I was lying there thinking about how much I've looked forward to this first year of preschool for the twins. I had a very clear image in my head of the two of them with their little lunchboxes, walking into their class. After all the work of having twin babies, I would have the pleasure of knowing that they would be doing this together- little buddies going off to preschool. And now I just feel sad, sad, sad. I'll still have this first (and only) semester for them to do that (before Jonah qualifies for PPCD), so I'm grateful for that. I just keep telling myself, "Get over it. It's over. Who ever gets what they expect anyway?", but I'm still just disappointed as hell. I just hope so much that they can be in kindergarten together, that he can catch up enough to do that.
I'm trying to sift through all the literature out there, and it's a mess. There is such divisiveness amongst parents of autistic kids, and if I see one more mention of Jenny McCarthy and that Andrews quack, I'm going to scream. Really, should we be taking medical advice from a playboy bunny and a "doctor" who lost his license and caused a world health crisis to boot? No thanks. You tell me autism is caused by PB&J? Fine, show me the data, and I'm on board. Sorry, but I feel strongly about this vaccination debate. So much time and money has been wasted refuting the assertions of a nut job. Time and money that could be spent looking for effective prevention and treatment options. Grr. ANYWAY... I have a big 'ol shopping cart going on Amazon, and about a million calls and emails out to service providers. I guess I just needed to hear the word, and now I'm ready to roll. Look out, Temple Grandin :)
Oh damn the night, that's when the 'what ifs' crawl inside your ears! I love Shel Silverstein, what can I say?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it's overwhelming. I can't even imagine. I agree about Jenny McCarthy, gag.
Want to do some yoga to clear your head--I know a really good teacher :)
Thinking of you.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI am hoping this helps ease some of the night worries.
My younger brother was diagnosed with aspergers. One of the most amazing things about him is that, despite the extra challenges he faced growing up (socialization deficits, sensory issues, dyslexia, couldn't even tie his shoes at 13 years old, etc.), he always knew what was important to him and never gave up his dreams. Now he is married to a woman who loves and understands him, he graduated with his AA and has the career he always wanted as the proud owner of his own business... a surprisingly successful reptile breeding farm. And he's only 24.
Just trust yourself and your son. He will find a way to achieve his dreams, whatever they might be.
Wandering over here from lastchanceivf and wanted to send over some big hugs. You sound like a mom that any kid is lucky to have. Best of luck in your journey.
ReplyDeleteAlso coming from LastChance, but funnily enough, my 26 month old son was also just diagnosed this week as on the spectrum. So I'll be following your blog with lots of interest! I know what you mean about the nighttime, that's when I worry most---particularly about what the future will bring. One thing that I'm finding hardest about ASD is how much uncertainty there is, and it's even harder to deal with when you're thinking about your precious loved ones than oneself, I think. Good luck, and I'm sending you warm wishes. --Christina
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Mrs. LC. I do not have any experience with autism but wanted to wish you peace and comfort as you and your family go through this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteFound you on Last Chance...Mrs. LC and I were going through fertility treatments together. I now have 10 month old b/g twins. Just wanted to show my support and offer help if needed. I taught PPCD for 9 years in LTISD and EISD...both programs are great! I am now a stay at home mom, but would love to answer any questions you may have about the whole special ed process. Sounds like you are headed in the right direction and have a great school psychologist friend! Don't hesitate to ask!
ReplyDeleteI think anytime we have expectations (about anything, BUT especially about our kids) it is really hard to deal with when things don't happen the way we thought/hoped. I have written endlessly about my PPD and how I'm STILL (4 years later) dealing with what my expectations where/what reality was....I know too well those middle of the night fears and sometimes a xanax goes a long way (I'm kidding! mostly.).
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read Amalah? She writes a lot about her sons diagnosis (forgive me because now I can't remember exactly what it is, but it is on the autism spectrum)...